Suggestions For Josh Beckett's Back

Avoiding the news about Josh Beckett’s back has become something of a pastime lately. It's kind of like going to the doctor: even though you know it's irresponsible, you find yourself putting it off, as if not knowing somehow means there can't be anything wrong with you. Of course, that's the line of reasoning that ends with you figuring out that you've had Bolivian Gonnorhea since your semester abroad in 2003, or in this case,  finally breaking down and reading the following headline: "Beckett to Miss Japan MLB Opener." That's bad news for Red Sox fans- Josh Beckett is clearly the most important player for the Boston Red Sox, particularly this year. Curt Schilling is a year closer to death (or a long retirement of online videogames and spongebathing a drooling John McCain), nobody knows what to expect out of wunderkind Clay Buchholz, Courageous Survivor Jon Lester (or CSJL) or giant robot from the future Daisuke Matsuzaka, and many of our favorite position players are aging rapidly enough that their annually gaudy stats should, at the very least, not be taken for granted (Mike Lowell, welcome back, but we're looking at you).

But then there's Beckett. In a post World Series season, where all the usual suspects of laziness, afterglow, injury, ego, money and age make it profoundly difficult to repeat, Josh Beckett is exactly the kind of player you figure has the capacity to transcend that stuff. And now he's hurt. And the weird part is, despite the (we're told) negative MRI's, it's either a serious problem we're not being told about, or it's the biggest little problem since Kaz Matsui's anal fissures. He's already been scratched from the opener, and every quote from Fort Meyers sounds more confused than the next. But I think I'm going to play this one optimistically. There's nothing to worry about, Josh. You're going to be fine. Especially if you follow my helpful suggestions: 

1) Eat Right

Just because Jacoby keeps stealing bases, it doesn't mean you have to keep eating tacos. I can't imagine I'm the only person who saw the early photos of you this spring and worried that you were on the Eric Gagne workout plan. Remember, carrying around the extra weight puts extra pressure on the back, which means you have to work harder to unleash that 97-mph heater we love so much. Nutritionists recommend that you eat small, healthy meals throughout the day- that way, you won't have the spikes and valleys in blood sugar that lead to extreme hunger, and therefore harmful and counterproductive overeating. You'll be amazed how quickly the weight comes off, and how good you'll feel! As a side note, you'll want to stay far, far away from (minor-league signee) Bartolo Colon. Just trust me on this one.

2) Don't Overwork Yourself

Oftentimes in both professional sports and awkward teenage romance, the drive to bounce back and improve leads to men ignoring the signals that their body is sending and overexerting themselves. This inevitably leads to pain, injury, embarrassment, and having to buy new towels. Josh, you don't have anything to prove to us by coming back prematurely. Although we all very much want to see you healthy and throwing by the beginning of the regular season, we urge you to take your time, rehab the right way, and stay in this thing for the long hall. I recommend that rather than working out with the team, you start training with Terry Francona. I have it on good authority (from my dad) that he uses the eliptical machine at the Dedham Health and Athletic Complex for 30-35 minutes three or so days a week. That sounds like just the kind of low-intensity workout you could handle. Ask him if you can get a ride, and if he tries to get you to go with him to Halfway Cafe after the workout, just try not to eat too much of the free popcorn (see #1).

3) Ignore Roger Clemens

Yes, he keeps calling, and he's telling you he knows a great solution for your problem. Don't do it. Even if it weren't illegal, he just seems a little too eager to inject you in the buttocks, even after you reminded him that the problem is in your back.

4) Get a Massage

Why should the Governor of New York have all the fun? You work hard, don't you? You deserve a little pampering. However, I recommend that you avoid The Emperor's Club, as they're currently having some commercial difficulties. Besides, all that "Seven Diamond," $3,000/night pomp and circumstance isn't really your cup of tea, is it? You're a Texas boy, after all, and all chicks look the same with the lights out, don’t they? Unless that’s a beanbag chair. Dallas can be a scary place.

5) Keep Things in Perspective

They say a key to recovery is a positive attitude. Yeah, that’s probably true, but in today’s world of pampered athletes, where a hangnail can send you home until the All Star Break, you ought to keep your edge by reminding yourself of the guys who’ve had it worse. Ripken never missed a game. Courageous Survivor Jon Lester courageously survived cancer. Remember Jim Abbott? That guy had one freaking hand. So take heart, Josh Beckett. You’re gonna be ok.

You’d better be.