All right then, it’s almost July, which means it’s almost time for yet another midsummer classic, which once again will pit the National League against their arch-rivals, those bums from the junior circuit.

All baloney aside, I’m actually a fan of baseball’s annual, glorified cash cow. When else, I ask, can a game be ruled a tie due to a shortage of pitchers? In what better venue can we watch Tommy Lasorda breakdance with an errant baseball bat down the third base line? On what more appropriate occasion can we cart out some of the greatest players, past and present, to have ever donned a pair of spikes?

Yes, I enjoy the spectacle, the pomp, the circumstance, and the ridiculous, unwarranted hype. I’ll tell you what I don’t enjoy though: allowing the fans to vote for the starters.

Continue reading "All-Star foppery"

At the mid-point of the '08 season, when many players are being lauded for their first-half accomplishments, I think it would be a disservice to the deserving fumblers around the league not to recognize their remarkable level of ineptitude.

And thus, in the spirit of the 55th midsummer classic, here is my 55th all-underachieving squad. (In reference to a fellow blogger wiser than myself, who has informed me that I would be better off keeping my blogs relatively short, I will limit this post to the All-Red-Sox-Underachieving Squad. Check back next week as I continue around the league and pay homage to the other, equally deserving spazzes.)

Julio Lugo

Who else but Lugo, our erstwhile All-Clunker All-Star, to leadoff? Lugo’s salary this year ($6.5M) and next ($7.25) combined with his .264 batting average, 1HR and (Holy Toledo) 16 errors (be sure to keep a running-tally on that one) make him a cant-miss candidate for an All-Fumble-Team nod.

Continue reading "Baseball's All-Underachieving Squad"

On a final note, I truly love these players (the Lugos and Crisps of the world). These guys here are what link the Sox of the past (the Sox I grew up watching) to the new, confrangled, win-every-year team we have now.  I love the Sox’ klutzes in the same way I used to love Andrew DeClercq and Dwayne Schnitzius. This is what we’re made of, Boston. Our road to glory is paved with Darren Lewises, Dino Rajdas and Shawn Jeffersons.

Continue reading "More food for thought..."

As promised, Ill continue to trapeze my way through all 15 American League clubs, stopping and giving credit where credit is due to the biggest blood-suckers in the game-- the All-Underachievers.

Yankees-Carl Pavano is a running joke. What else can be said? Shrewd, shrewd move by Theo getting outbid by the Yanks. And I put Alex Rodriguez on this list. No man should be paid $28 mil a year to play baseball, especially not a fojacker like ARod.
Red Sox-Lugo, Crisp - Our aformentioned heroes. Check last week's blog to read up on their exploits.
Toronto Blue Jays-- A.J. Burnett, Vernon Wells- Burnett, the uber-talented, perenial All-Underachiever, sports a 5.23 ERA. The Blue Jays are hoping he'll be Philadelphia's problem soon. Wells gets the nod with his 9 HRs and $126 million contract.

Continue reading "All-Underachieving Squad (cont.)"

Manny Ramirez’s shenanigans, I have recently determined, have lost their cheekiness. They have, to quote Super Troopers, become “cruel and tragic”, which, to continue quoting, “makes them not shenanigans at all, really.”

Manny’s antics now come off as forced, PR maneuvers, aimed at trying to rebuild his good standing with the Red Sox faithful. Climb into the monster between innings? Seen it. Muck around playfully with the third base umpire after a check-swing? Blah.

The truth of the matter is that Manny has permanently tarnished his image. Really, I don’t see how shoving a 60 year-old traveling secretary to the ground could not permanently scar a ballplayer’s reputation. The fact that Manny is now trying to cover up his recent indiscretions with a multitude of old Manny-isms just seems pitiful and, heres the old word again, forced.

Continue reading "Manny's Shenanigans No Longer Cheeky"

Apologies for my negligence. I’ve been down in Boston the past week-and-a-half looking for a “real job”.

The job hunt is frustrating and I’m afraid it’s sullied my mood a bit this rainy, Wednesday evening. Nonetheless, I’ll plug away for you, my faithful readers (if I’m not mistaken, there are between two and five of you—ahoy there Jaíme!).

Ehh.. baseball… trades…injuries.. We’re in the belly of the doldrums, my friends. Mid-July rolls by like the grandmother at Christmas dinner who takes three hours to finish her appetizer, unaware that the rest of the family just wants to open some damn presents. Oooo, Joe Blanton went to the Phils! Mark Teixeira might just go about anywhere west of the Mississippi! Stars above, Tony Clark went back to the D-Backs! Really, its tough for me to get all worked up about baseball this time of year-- and no, it has nothing to do with me being a jobless bum at the moment (well, it might actually have something to do with that).

Continue reading "July Doldrums"