Quality play? That's secondary to this secondary

So say you work at the manufacturing plant for GM, and you're the guy who sticks the rear view mirror on the car. Along comes the next automobile, and you slap that damn mirror on so fast and so perfectly you can't help yourself - you break into a minute-long celebratory dance. And man, do you look good.

Nevermind that the next 15 cars pass without receiving the accessory, or that by the end of the day you've completed exactly one of the many tasks for which you are paid.

Who cares, right? Besides, man, do you look good.

Welcome to the minds of Ellis Hobbs and Deltha O'Neal, the Prima Donna cornerbacks that make up half of the Patriots ragged secondary this season. Though they are routinely shredded by opposing receivers for 45 of the 60 minutes on any given Sunday, they can often be seen dancing around the field during the other 15 after making what can only be considered marginally acceptable plays. But boy can they dance.

Take, for instance, Sunday afternoon. Both knocked down passes in the first quarter and proceeded to launch into 30-second performances that could have earned rave reviews on Dancing with the Stars (Warren Sapp eat your heart out). Hobbs added a dance later in the game after pressuring Roethlisberger into a Richard Seymour sack.

And that latter performance illustrates everything you need to know. Hobbs pressured the quarterback, sure, but he wasn't quite smart or talented enough to finish the play, sliding off the Pittsburgh QB like a greased pig as Seymour climbed on to finish the job. But Hobbs was the one doing the dancing. He had, as far as he was concerned, done enough.

You think the New England fan base would agree?

There are other images you may have noticed from Sunday's shellacking. Remember that guy in the background, a good five yards from making a play, on Santonio Holmes' touchdown just before halftime? That was O'Neal. Or the guys standing 15 yards off the line of scrimmage on any number of third-and-five passes, all of which seemed to earn the Steelers first downs? Those guys were O'Neal and Hobbs.

It seems to be a disease plaguing most defensive backs around the league, this showboating after doing what you're supposed to do, but the Patriots have two of the worst offenders. It's downright maddening to see Hobbs or O'Neal get a finger on the football and prance around while the rest of the team heads into the huddle. After all, they get paid to tip passes. Knocking one down doesn't exactly fall into the category of "above and beyond."

By the way, they also get paid to cover wide receivers. And make tackles. But those responsibilities seem to fall somewhere between painting the logo at midfield and filling the gatorade jugs on the sidelines on the list of priorities for these two. Make big play, do big dance. Miss 20 makeable plays? No big deal.

I don't know how many times I watched O'Neal give a 10-yard cushion to a receiver who needed five yards for a first down, then take 10 steps backwards after the snap before closing 10 seconds too late as Pittsburgh rang up another conversion. When the fear of getting beat deep means you'd rather get beat short - every time - it's time to hang up the cleats.

Hobbs hasn't yet reached that level of ineffectiveness, but he's certainly been abused on some critical plays over the years (see Burress, Plaxico on the game-winning score in last year's Super Bowl). And he's perhaps the most likely player on the team to celebrate a meaningless play.

What's more frustrating in Hobbs' case is he has become the de facto No. 1 cornerback, more by default than determination. But for every up with him, there are three or four downs. He'll make a pick or knock away a pass and then get burned on three straight out routes. He's supposed to be the anchor back there, and yet consistency and focus seem to be lacking on a weekly basis.

To be blunt, Hobbs is nothing more than a nickelback in a solid secondary. And O'Neal is hardly even that. There is no getting around the fact that the Patriots have a below-average defensive backfield, and the cornerback position is the main culprit.

And that, my friends, is the ultimate kicker - we're stuck with the dances and the defectiveness because there's simply nobody better out there. This is, ladies and gentlemen, the starting defensive backfield for your 2008-09 Patriots. At this point, where would the Pats turn for help? Even Ty Law's corpse has been signed at this point.

I never thought I'd miss Otis Smith this much.

So I've resigned myself to the notion that the secondary will struggle. That much I'm willing to live with, at least until the off-season. But the dancing's gotta stop. How about a no-dancing rule is enacted until you've completed a checklist of accomplishments, a docket that could include such hard-to-fathom acts as 1)covering your man effectively on five consecutive plays; 2) making a key play, at any point, in any game; or 3) intercepting a pass that wasn't overthrown by 15 yards. Do any one of those things, get a 15-second dance.

Until then, though, I'd prefer to watch the secondary flounder in anonymity. Such a hope is outlandish, I know, when your starting cornerbacks are far more concerned with style points than actual results.

Maybe someone should tell them how cool it looks to intercept a pass. Before another earlier-than-expected playoff exit ends up in the hastily-attached rear view mirror.