This is a bit off the sports topic, but something funny nonetheless.
COLLEGE LIFE
CHAPTER ONE: INTRO TO COLLEGE LIFE
College is the institution where people who have been telling their parents to treat them like adults for the past four years realize that it's more fun to act like a kid. It's a place where an eighteen-year-old has their best opportunity in their life to score with their next-door neighbor. College is not just an institution for higher learning that your parents tried to convince you it was while you were in High School, instead it's a sociologist's wet dream where people from ever nook and cranny around the globe converse on one place. It's the real "Real World".
Picking the right university is the first major decision you will be forced to make in your quest for knowledge. There are many reasons to pick one university over another. There’s location, size of the college, cost, availability of classes, variety of majors, but the most original determining factor I’ve heard was from my friend in high school who chose his educational homestead solely on their showing in Playboy’s Women of the PAC-10 issue. Most have a much more rigid screening process.
I lived in a co-ed dorm on a co-ed floor, which in guy terms means you gonna get some every night, but in real terms it means there are lots of girls on your floor who want nothing to do with any of the guys on the floor. Sure they like you, but it's the proximity issue, you're too close to have a relationship but you're the ideal distance for a friendship.
My co-ed floor had what we called community bathrooms, which means that there are two bathrooms for 34 residences, which are located at the ends of the hallway. These community bathrooms have a wide range of cleanliness, for example the honors dorm’s cleaning schedule seemed to be a lot more frequent than the cleaning schedule of the other dorms. The interesting thing about this is that the honors students seem to have much tighter asses than any of the other students so you wouldn't think it would have had to be cleaned as often.
In a fairly devious plan by the administration the University strategically places the Honor’s dorms as far away from the “general admission” dorms as possible in fear that our rowdy underachiever ways will in someway dissuade or corrupt the crème de la crème of the University. The Achilles heel to this design is that good college girls find the slimy underachiever asshole men the most attractive – and then complain about how all guys are slimy underachiever assholes.
I remember that the only thing that I feared more than the community bathrooms was my roommate. What was my roommate going to be like? Would I be able to live with someone who's the complete opposite from me? These were some of the thoughts going through my head. You can imagine my sigh of relief when I found out my roommate was an ecstasy addict who's a compulsive masturbator and truly believes that Vodka is the Russian word for water. This guy would arise with a pitched tent in the middle of the night and with his eyes closed he would slowly meander his way to our two foot tall fridge where he would keep his water bottle of absolute, take a chug and then return to his slumber all the while mumbling God know what under his grotesque breath. This wasn’t the strangest action I witnessed from him. On a regular basis he would have full conversations with the D.J. on the local hip-hop radio station. Sounds normal enough, but the most bizarre portion of this relationship was that he wouldn’t use the phone to talk to her, instead he assumed that our radio worked much like an intercom and he would speak directly into the speaker. Granted he would normally begin his one-way conversations after a few bottles of his Smirnoff water break. Surprisingly he didn't last long as my roommate after being written up for noise by our R.A.
An R.A. is a Resident Assistant; their job is to act as a parental authority figure for the floor. Most RA’s are just upperclassmen who were unable to make friends with anyone for their first two or three years of college so they decided to take their frustration out on the incoming freshman. If you ask them, they'll always say it's because of the free room and board but that's a lie. They do it because they hate you. They relish in their God complex and wield their pseudo-power unmercifully. In some rare cases the R.A. is more laid back than the hall mates but this was not the case on my floor. Our R.A.'s name was Becky; she was a cross between Nurse Ratchet of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Cruella DeVil of 101 Dalmatians. She took pride in her job, too much pride, which is why I spent the majority of my time at my girlfriend’s place.
My first college girlfriend was in a sorority. Before I came to college, I had no idea what a real sorority was other than what I have seen on Revenge of the Nerds and Animal House. You can imagine how disillusioned and jaded my perception of more than 40, 18-21 year old women living in the same house could be on a freshman. Images of panty raids and dozens of naked women frolicking around the sorority house filled my ever imaginative mind, but when I entered this ‘Castle Anthrax’ my eyes told a different story. There were no naked girls running in circles, no group showers and I didn’t see one topless massage. Instead there were study groups and conversations about politics. Sororities were less like the erotic orgies I’ve read about in my fathers hidden Playboys and instead resemble passages from The Babysitter’s Club.
Once I came to terms with this really bad episode of a show off the Disney Channel, I reassessed the situation. Even in this horrible After School Special Sorority, there was the fact that there were a lot of women in one house, which means a lot of opportunity to score, that is, if things didn’t work out with…. what’s her name.
I found out the truth soon enough. Because I was involved with one of the girls in the sorority, that made me off limits to the other 39. Sure they still talked to me, but it was a different sort of talking, the type of talking you only see on TV shows like The Gilmore Girls and Dawson’s Creek. You know, friend-speak. Not aware of the term? Friend-speak is a terminology where a female feels comfortable enough with a male that she is able to talk about very personal thoughts and feelings with the male without fear of the male making a move on her. Let me warn you now that this is a worst-case scenario! If you find yourself in a friend-speak situation you have two options. You can either be buddies with this girl for the rest of your life, or if you are at all the slight bit interested in getting in her pants leave the situation immediately! Get up and walk out or you will never be viewed in the same regard again.
You will be that friend who will be called in the middle of the night after Johnny, her 3rd boyfriend in two months cheats on her with her roommate Kelly, who is a ruthless bitch that doesn't clean up her dirty dishes and was probably planning on stealing her boyfriend for weeks. There will be crying, she will need a hug, you will give it, and she will tell you that she'll never trust another guy again, you excluded of course. As a guy, we're thinking, this is it! She's in distress; I'll be her Prince Charming. Nope! She'll think about all the ways she can get back her cheating boyfriend and all the while learn how to cope with his cheating ways convincing herself that she was the real reason that he strayed. If she only slept with him sooner, bought him more stuff, or let him go out with his friends that night this would never have happened. She is wrong. You will be out of luck and after a few empty promises they will be back together by the end of the week.
I, unfortunately became friends with her entire sorority, forty girls. Forty girls I am now friends with, friends forever. That shouldn't matter to me because I'm involved in a very healthy relationship with…what’s her name. After a few more weeks I realized that we weren't exactly cut out for each other and we parted our separate ways.
Now what?
Now is when college begins…
